Tormented Mind?

It’s weird. I’m starting to get this phobia on the things around me. For instance when I’m in a double-decker bus, I began to wonder if it would fall flat on its side as it makes a turn around the corner. I wonder if my house (HDB flat) could hold the weight of my family’s belongings. Mind you, my dad’s got a lot of wire coils, spare generator and other spare parts. And that’s a just my dad’s belonging. There’s still my brother’s heavy photography equipment, my mom’s cabinet full of cook books (which she never uses).

I wonder about a lot of other things. I wonder if the wire pulling up the lift would just snap while I’m still in it, and send me plummeting to the ground. I wonder if I’ll ever live past 40years (in good health, of course). I wonder if I’ll get senile as I grow older. I wonder if I’ll ever get hit by something on my way out to somewhere to meet someone. That’s scary. Innocent people can even get struck by lightning while they’re walking towards the MRT station. Then what’s my probability of striking the jackpot, in the wrong way?

I’m petrified by my own shadows many times before on the starry, starry nights after watching a horror film, reading a creepy tale or remembering past haunting stories being told to me. I’m traumatized by the thought that sometime near or in years ahead, something from my past would come back to haunt me.

There’s a lot of what ifs in this world. And especially more so in my confined mental world. What’s the next step? Where’s that next turn that can lead me to the exit and into a utopia that I can claim as mine?

Perhaps I’ve yet to find a balanced state of mind. Perhaps I’ve yet to find someone that’s strong enough to handle my thoughts. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

But then again, what’s the probability of you finding one?