Courage

Have been reading through some of my old friends’ blogs (some of whom I knew since sec 1) over the past few days. The rainy season has bounced back into Singapore. The cloudy skies and the freezing air – I call it the occasional winter of Singapore.

Some may say “nothing compares to the comfort of being in your own home”. It may be true to a certain extent. But I have this yearning to abandon where I have been rooted in for the past 23 years and 7 months. An earnest yearn to travel and to be who I really am. Who cares to be the suckling pig in the office? The idiot who rushes home to catch TV serials and anime? The self-restraint individual who seeks nothing more beyond materialism? The key thing that bothers me since eons ago - I haven’t been living life to its fullest.

Reading through the e-pages that cast memories of people into a life journal, I feel dejected. What have I been doing with my life? I guess I had subjected myself to being one of the “walking sardines” – dragging my butt off the bed in the morning, brush my teeth, squeeze onto the public transport, get to work, get off work, back onto public transport again and whole cycle repeats itself.

Goals that I have to achieve? Financial, not personal. It’s all in the company’s interest. In return? I lost my freedom. It’s more than envy. It’s more than rage. It’s absolute jealousy that rules over my senses as I read on about people around me who dare to venture and pursue their dreams.

But what exactly is my dream? I have no idea. Perhaps I just want to enjoy life by traveling around with no burden, no sense of responsibility towards anyone except for myself. Yes. I’m that selfish.

I beat myself up mentally for not having the guts to give up my job and travel to Japan with the others. I did it again for my lack of courage to travel alone to foreign places. What’s the most terrible and difficult thing that can hold back your dreams? Yourself.

So what have I been doing? What am I waiting for? No idea.

I wished I had the guts to do what Uma’s doing – traveling alone in UK, living her life the way she wants to. And many others (whom I shall not mention coz’ most prob. I’m nothing more but a phantom in their memories).

Too many perhaps. Too many what-ifs. It’s time I should move on and live my life. All I need is a little more courage.