Vexed. Just rattling.

Why can't they understand? It's as hard for me as it is for them.
Different people have different dreams. And even if some of the dreams are of the same, there are different ways of achieving it. Some people call this a "life journey".

Life isn't just about working your ass off to pay bills, get married, have kids and etc. That is pathetic. That is reality. That is not life. Life to me is a personal journey. A journey to understand where my limitations are and having to push them, and enjoying the adrenaline along the line. Life isn't just about how people perceive me but also how I perceive myself. Life is a journey, an attempt to discover, remind and re-define who and what I am today, and what or who had shaped me into what and who I am today.

I DO understand that they are EXTREMELY concerned about my safety. I do too, for myself. And I'm not saying I'm not fearful. But each and everyone of us has only one shot at life. Who knows what will happen the next day, the next minute or even the next second? I have enough regrets to last me this life time. And I don't want THIS dream to be the next. Sure, if I pursue it, I put them into constant anxiety, risk being seen as unfilial (and probably they'll disown me even - that wouldn't surprise me) and I will have to be constantly alert - if not, who knows what will happen? I may just not be able to make it back safely or alive. BUT if I do give it up now, what hope is left for me to pursue another? Can I stomach another repression without going into another dark, silent depression?

There are too many a times when dreams have to be sacrificed for the overall peace and happiness. The price? Self-realization and personal happiness. How can I ever make them see without giving any hint of the darkness that lies deep within me, carefully shut out of sight and out of ears for the better good?

Too many doors have closed up on me - be it by choice or by others. What will be left of me should this door close up on me by choice? Will my courage fail me once and for all should I choose to turn my back on it this time?

I don't know.

I only know that I need to run. Run as much as I can to hold my dream close and dear to me.

At what price? I already know.
For how long can I run to keep it safe and realize it? I don't know.
Sigh.