Am I?

I’m feeling old – mentally and physically (in terms of looks). Honestly. There’s a gradual shift in my life priorities and outlook, and this is beginning to take a toll on my looks. I might even be experiencing a receeding hairline. At least that’s what I think.

Or I could be feeling drained due to a change in my lifestyle habits – having to wake up at 7.30am every weekday, rush to catch the bus at 8.10am and be in the office by 8.55am. The dark circles around my eyes are showing. Damn.

People used to tell me that I looked younger. But now? People who are seeing me for the first time think I’m 27. Darn. I need better skin care products.

What exactly is happening? I don’t know. I’m questioning. I’m running. I’m panting. Heck. What does it mean to be alive?

It was just a while ago that I decided to just read through friends’ blogs for some updates and ‘tada’! I’ve convicted myself of negligence and guilt. Not sure how long I’ve been missing in action or how long I’ve been running away from my duty as a friend (to be there for a friend when they are down), and it doesn’t feel good.

I’ve been questioning.

Am I a workaholic? Yes.

Am I neglecting all other important things in life? Yes.

Am I guilty of not living my life to its fullest? Yes.

Would I be happier if I’m working as a waitress or as a part-timer but receive a whole lot lesser pay? Most probably yes.

Would I be willing to trade my current position and pay for that possibility of happiness? No. Not quite. I admit. I’m still materialistic. I’m still greedy. I want the best of both.

But could you blame me? Which path would you choose if you were me?

I’m pondering. I’m stuck. I’m still digressing.

I’m guilty. I’m sick. I reek of sins.

Guilty of not been able to communicate with my family the way I wish I would.

Tearful of how hard I can be on myself (and sometimes on others too).

Regretful of the things that I’ve done which I know I shouldn’t have.

Sinful of my endless pursue for monetary and materialistic possessions.
And last but not least, doubtful of my own existence.

Looking back at what I’ve accomplished (and what I’ve not), I realized that I need to go on a journey, into a peaceful foreign place, to rediscover myself from the inside-out rather than vice versa. I may even tender if my leave is not approved (a very high likelihood). I need to observe. I need to learn. I need to see myself in others rather than see what others think of me.

I crumble. I’m torn. Almost.

It’s pathetic. It’s sad. It’s senseless. For others to define who you are and what you are based on the work. True. First impression counts. But for that to summarize the very importance of your existence? It sucks. Believe me. I’ve been there. Done that. It’s degrading. It’s mean. It gets personal sometimes.

I’m not even sure that I like who I am now, or what I’ve done, or what I’m doing, or how I’m doing and whom I’m doing to.

I’m blind. I’m deaf. I’m self-depriving.
I’m blind to what’s around me.
I’m deaf to my very own voice.
I’m mean to myself (and to others).

Stop. Think. Start.

When will that happen? I’m pinning for the next sakura season.

Dream it or begin it...

Here I am in the middle of the night (or rather in the middle of the early morning at 2.11am) typing away like there's no work tomorrow. Flu bug brought me down and I'm now stuk with a sore throat and lots of phlegm. Slept my whole day through and find it hard to find my way back into slumberland again. I can only wait for the drugs to kick in.

While I'm at it, just wanted to share some of my 'new' philosophies of life. Stumbled upon this interesting organizer a few days ago and decided that I need to get it there and then to constantly remind myself of my new philosophy....



I'm still contemplating when I should start using it. Not that I don't want to... it's just that I'm still halfway though my current organizer and it would be such a waste to discard it for the new. Then again, the new line struck several chords in me... even though I've not been living life to its fullest, it's never too late to start if you do it now. Keep dreaming and the day will be gone before you even realized it.

First thing on my list (based on this philosophy), is to travel/ semi-backpack to Japan during the next Saukra season - with or without company. Tuk, if you are reading this - I know you are worried about my safety but I really need to go on journeys like this to rediscover myself and the world around me. For others - I know my jap is still in juvenile stage... but it shouldn't be one of the reasons to stop me from taking the first step. People doubt if you can ever do it. But heck, if you never try, you'll never know. Things happen for a reason. May be good. May be bad. It all depends.

The rest of the things on my to-accomplish-list will come once I can settle the earlier resolutions I had set in my previous blog entry.

Another line that I really liked (which Tuk got it for his own) is this:



How about you?