Am I?

I’m feeling old – mentally and physically (in terms of looks). Honestly. There’s a gradual shift in my life priorities and outlook, and this is beginning to take a toll on my looks. I might even be experiencing a receeding hairline. At least that’s what I think.

Or I could be feeling drained due to a change in my lifestyle habits – having to wake up at 7.30am every weekday, rush to catch the bus at 8.10am and be in the office by 8.55am. The dark circles around my eyes are showing. Damn.

People used to tell me that I looked younger. But now? People who are seeing me for the first time think I’m 27. Darn. I need better skin care products.

What exactly is happening? I don’t know. I’m questioning. I’m running. I’m panting. Heck. What does it mean to be alive?

It was just a while ago that I decided to just read through friends’ blogs for some updates and ‘tada’! I’ve convicted myself of negligence and guilt. Not sure how long I’ve been missing in action or how long I’ve been running away from my duty as a friend (to be there for a friend when they are down), and it doesn’t feel good.

I’ve been questioning.

Am I a workaholic? Yes.

Am I neglecting all other important things in life? Yes.

Am I guilty of not living my life to its fullest? Yes.

Would I be happier if I’m working as a waitress or as a part-timer but receive a whole lot lesser pay? Most probably yes.

Would I be willing to trade my current position and pay for that possibility of happiness? No. Not quite. I admit. I’m still materialistic. I’m still greedy. I want the best of both.

But could you blame me? Which path would you choose if you were me?

I’m pondering. I’m stuck. I’m still digressing.

I’m guilty. I’m sick. I reek of sins.

Guilty of not been able to communicate with my family the way I wish I would.

Tearful of how hard I can be on myself (and sometimes on others too).

Regretful of the things that I’ve done which I know I shouldn’t have.

Sinful of my endless pursue for monetary and materialistic possessions.
And last but not least, doubtful of my own existence.

Looking back at what I’ve accomplished (and what I’ve not), I realized that I need to go on a journey, into a peaceful foreign place, to rediscover myself from the inside-out rather than vice versa. I may even tender if my leave is not approved (a very high likelihood). I need to observe. I need to learn. I need to see myself in others rather than see what others think of me.

I crumble. I’m torn. Almost.

It’s pathetic. It’s sad. It’s senseless. For others to define who you are and what you are based on the work. True. First impression counts. But for that to summarize the very importance of your existence? It sucks. Believe me. I’ve been there. Done that. It’s degrading. It’s mean. It gets personal sometimes.

I’m not even sure that I like who I am now, or what I’ve done, or what I’m doing, or how I’m doing and whom I’m doing to.

I’m blind. I’m deaf. I’m self-depriving.
I’m blind to what’s around me.
I’m deaf to my very own voice.
I’m mean to myself (and to others).

Stop. Think. Start.

When will that happen? I’m pinning for the next sakura season.

Dream it or begin it...

Here I am in the middle of the night (or rather in the middle of the early morning at 2.11am) typing away like there's no work tomorrow. Flu bug brought me down and I'm now stuk with a sore throat and lots of phlegm. Slept my whole day through and find it hard to find my way back into slumberland again. I can only wait for the drugs to kick in.

While I'm at it, just wanted to share some of my 'new' philosophies of life. Stumbled upon this interesting organizer a few days ago and decided that I need to get it there and then to constantly remind myself of my new philosophy....



I'm still contemplating when I should start using it. Not that I don't want to... it's just that I'm still halfway though my current organizer and it would be such a waste to discard it for the new. Then again, the new line struck several chords in me... even though I've not been living life to its fullest, it's never too late to start if you do it now. Keep dreaming and the day will be gone before you even realized it.

First thing on my list (based on this philosophy), is to travel/ semi-backpack to Japan during the next Saukra season - with or without company. Tuk, if you are reading this - I know you are worried about my safety but I really need to go on journeys like this to rediscover myself and the world around me. For others - I know my jap is still in juvenile stage... but it shouldn't be one of the reasons to stop me from taking the first step. People doubt if you can ever do it. But heck, if you never try, you'll never know. Things happen for a reason. May be good. May be bad. It all depends.

The rest of the things on my to-accomplish-list will come once I can settle the earlier resolutions I had set in my previous blog entry.

Another line that I really liked (which Tuk got it for his own) is this:



How about you?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!! This CAN'T be happening to ME!!!!
You know what? This entry was supposed to start with "Thank you girlies for the wonderful Hello-kitty gift from Japan" and yada-yada-yada. BUT guess what? Instead of publishing it onto where it should be, some DODO technical glitch happened and erased it from the system! It's GONE!!!!!!!

This is aboslutely UNBELIEVABLE. Screw the technology.

Haiz... Ok, here goes with whatever I can still remember on what I was happily "telling you" about in my original post.


THANK you girlies (you should know who you are) for getting the Hello Kitty souvenirs esp. for me from Japan. I know things are really ex over there. So I do appreciate the gift.



And like the never-ending list of human desires in each and everyone of us, I've come up with additional resolutions for this year (and maybe next):

Mission-near-impossible 1: Sharpen my Jap language skills
How?
- Force myself to read the jap dictionary/ textbooks/ magazines on a daily basis even if it's just 20mins
- Listen to jap music every day on my way to work
- visit jap supermarkets more often (get tantalized by the food and force myself to read the jap instructions/ ingredient listing)

Mission-near-impossible 2: Increase my affinity with Japan
How?
- Targeting to go with the girlies to Japan next Apr (sakura season). Recap on history: I was supposed to go with them this year for 15days straight. But due to work concerns, I'd to cancel my air tix and the trip altogether.
- Sharpen my jap language skills and go work in Japan as an asst. English teacher (thru' Cheryl's recommendation)
- Maybe get a jap sugar daddy???

Mission-near-impossible 3: Practice Yoga on a regular basis
Had been missing out on the lessons for quite some time due to health and work. And in order for me to optimize my membership (which is not cheap), I better buck up.
Aims?
- Develop "washing-board-like"/ killer abs (just pray that I don't get killed instead during the process)
- Nurture "little mouse" on my arms
- Straighten posture and improve flexibility

Mission-near-impossible 4: Improve Stamina
Hate it when I can't catch up on fast tracks in KTV.
How?
- Fornightly evening jogs over the weekends*
* Dependent on the weather... it must be cooling before I will embark on this mission. Otherwise, I shall stick to indoor skipping.

Mission-near-impossible 5: Save more $
I was talking to my intern the other day and was reminded of my days as an intern - where I had to survive on just $600 a month and yet being able to save more than half of it for my part-time studies at SIM. Now that I've a slightly higher pay, I'm spending a whole lot more and saving a whole lot lesser.
How?
- Start bringing my own water bottle to work so that I can save on drinks during lunch. If I can save $1 a day, that makes it approx. $25 in savings for a month. It's not much but it's definitely something to start with.
- Cut down on shopping? NAYYYYYYYYYYY!!! It's not going to happen. But I'll try not to increase my current shopping expenditure though. :P

Mission-near-impossible 6: Help Tuk reduce Tummy
VERY MISSION IMPOSSIBLE TASK.

Mission-near-impossible 7: Help Tuk save more $
ALSO VERY MISSION IMPOSSIBLE TASK.

Wish me luck!!! :P

Dad's birthday!!!

It's that time of the year again!!! Headed down to the chinese restaurant at Orchard Hotel for some Dim Sum with THE family. Dim sum wasn't exactly fantastic (still prefer Crystal Jade) but the dessert was good. :)

Kana 'bullied' by THE elder siblings to run errands - in search of THE Tiramisu birthday cake along Orchard Road... Passed by Zara at wheelock and there's these two women verbally abusing each other. Damn!!! I would've stayed on if not for the rush.

Hijacked a cab at Wisma after getting the cake and headed down to Choa Chu Kang. Almost got lost... where the hell was that St. 64?

Finally...



After the eat-as-much-as-you-could tiramisu cum only-two-cups-of-tea-available-or-softdrinks session (coz' they'd just moved in and FORGOT to buy additional cups), we headed down to J8 in search of my Lumix camera batt... but to no avail.

The journey down to J8 was slow. Got bored on the train and decided to whip out my camera again to take some candid shots...