What I would tell her (a beautiful piece)...

WHAT I WOULD TELL HER: (If I knew what to say.)

You are a miracle.

And I have to love you this fiercely: So that you can feel it even after you leave for school, or even while you are asleep, or even after your childhood becomes a memory.

You’ll forget all this when you grow up. But it’s okay.

Being a mother means having your heart broken.

And it means loving and losing and falling apart and coming back together.

And it’s the best there is. And also, sometimes, the worst.

Sometimes you won’t have anyone to talk to.

Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’ve forgotten who you are.

But you must always remember this: What you’re doing matters.

And you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.

The truth is, being a woman is a gift. Tenderness is a gift. Intimacy is a gift. And nurturing the good in this world is a nothing short of a privilege.

That’s why I have to love you this way. So I can give what I have to you. So that you can carry it in your body and pass it on.

I have watched you sleep. I’ve kissed you a million times. And I know something that you don’t, yet:

You are writing the story of your only life every single minute of every day.

And my greatest hope for you, sweet child, is that I can teach you how to write a good one.


Author: Katherine Center

Once in a while...

... you just get so easily lost in the urban jungle that you can't even remember what it is like to fall or how big the universe actually is. You get narrow-minded, petty and all caught up in the whole, mad, rat race. Sometimes it takes such a great effort to make a mental note. A mental note to just look up at the skies and think, "somewhere out there, right now, in another dimension, there's someone just like me, standing somewhere, or nowhere, looking at the same skies that I am now. Someone who's doing the same thing(s) as I am. Same one who has gone through the same things as I did." Somehow, it makes you feel just a tact less lonely. And then you realize, the world keeps revolving. It won't stop even if I'm gone. Even if I'm wiped out from the surface of this earth, literally. The mad, rat race will still go on its course. The sun still comes up and goes down every single day. But a few heartbeats will skip its tune and perhaps in years to come, all that marks my existence is nothing but rusty memories in the minds of those few heartbeats. And in a few decades more, when those few heartbeats can skip no more - nothingness. I'm all but a shell that once walked the surface of this earth. Those ridiculous or outrageous things that I've committed in this lifetime are nothing but hazy memories in the other shells that once shared the same surface of this earth with me. Then it dawns on me that it's ok to fall sometimes. I'll just pick myself up from where I left off, look at the skies and think to myself that it's just all part of life.

Hair Fuss

Tuk must’ve really hated my new haircut. It’s the first time he said to me, “could you ask John not to cut it so short the next time”, TWICE within a month. Though the cut’s not exactly flattering and I look more like a scrawny butch than a scrawny girl, I’m glad for the lightness on my head – a bliss for this sweltering heat on this tiny island.

A glimpse of the afternoon sun...

Lego Digital カメラ + Adobe Lightroom

The 1.4 + 1.2 journey - a first in eons

24th Jan 2010 (Sunday)



Can't remember when was the last time i pulled my lazy bum off the bed at 7.30am on a cheery Sunday morning. It must've been years. Glad that I have cabbageちゃん as my jogging buddy. Tuk had tagged along reluctantly as well. And no. He didn't do the jog with us around the stadium. He had excused himself to the fitness corner, which he kinda swore he did do some workouts - though I'm pretty sure none was carried out as I'd ran round and round the tracks (as if I'm a hamster on an endless treadmill), and spied him from the corners of my eyes. I was also cursing and swearing silently to myself for having put an exercise routine onto my resolution list. The blazing rays from the rising sun hurts my eyes and I was pretty much breathless from time to time. But by the time I was through with it, I actually felt pretty good. Guess we'll probably do it again this weekend. How "fun"...

ただ一人の都市

Lego Digital カメラ + Adobe Lightroom

IF and when i do have a baby...

I'm gonna take these kinds of pre and post-natal shots. NO WAY am I gonna allow myself to grow sideways - at least, that's what I'm trying to remind or rather give an early warning to myself. It's gonna be hard to be a "hot" mom (not that "hot" is in my dictionary now). But hey, it doesn't hurt to dream.



Audrey Woulard Barefoot with Connie Dejah Quinn Photography Lena Hyde Photography

帰る途中 Darth Vader に出会った

Vexed. Just rattling.

Why can't they understand? It's as hard for me as it is for them.
Different people have different dreams. And even if some of the dreams are of the same, there are different ways of achieving it. Some people call this a "life journey".

Life isn't just about working your ass off to pay bills, get married, have kids and etc. That is pathetic. That is reality. That is not life. Life to me is a personal journey. A journey to understand where my limitations are and having to push them, and enjoying the adrenaline along the line. Life isn't just about how people perceive me but also how I perceive myself. Life is a journey, an attempt to discover, remind and re-define who and what I am today, and what or who had shaped me into what and who I am today.

I DO understand that they are EXTREMELY concerned about my safety. I do too, for myself. And I'm not saying I'm not fearful. But each and everyone of us has only one shot at life. Who knows what will happen the next day, the next minute or even the next second? I have enough regrets to last me this life time. And I don't want THIS dream to be the next. Sure, if I pursue it, I put them into constant anxiety, risk being seen as unfilial (and probably they'll disown me even - that wouldn't surprise me) and I will have to be constantly alert - if not, who knows what will happen? I may just not be able to make it back safely or alive. BUT if I do give it up now, what hope is left for me to pursue another? Can I stomach another repression without going into another dark, silent depression?

There are too many a times when dreams have to be sacrificed for the overall peace and happiness. The price? Self-realization and personal happiness. How can I ever make them see without giving any hint of the darkness that lies deep within me, carefully shut out of sight and out of ears for the better good?

Too many doors have closed up on me - be it by choice or by others. What will be left of me should this door close up on me by choice? Will my courage fail me once and for all should I choose to turn my back on it this time?

I don't know.

I only know that I need to run. Run as much as I can to hold my dream close and dear to me.

At what price? I already know.
For how long can I run to keep it safe and realize it? I don't know.
Sigh.

Remembering Dec '09

31st December '09 (Thurs)
Crap. Was supposed to meet the gang for countdown at one of the board game cafes, but had to back out last minute as I wasn't feeling well. Ended up re-reading the Twilight series again.


26th December '09 (Sat)
Woke up darn early and headed down to Marina Square where Kayley had her first baby gym lesson. Had lunch after her gym ended and all 5 of us went over to my sis' place to doll her up for our unofficial photoshoot. My role? To distract her from her surroundings and have her looking at Tuk's camera. She simply couldn't resist my colourful Lego Digital camera (which I used as a tool of distraction) and kept crawling forth to me. ああ～疲れちゃった。

The ladybug suit was just one of the 3 that we dolled her up in (^ 0 ^)




25th December '09 (Fri)
It's supposed to be a chill-out day where I should do nothing but stir in my bed. But given that it was Kayley's baptism ceremony, I'd to drag myself out of bed darn early and sat through a 3-hr church service. (- _ -) Not exactly the kind of thing that I would look forward to, to start my X'mas. Oh well...

After the ceremony, we headed home where Pa, Ma and Gor were very excited and couldn't wait to give Kayley her presents - and my sis and I were a wee bit jealous 'coz we had NEVER received any X'mas pressie from any of them. And that little lass just kinda got away with two! *Roll eyes*


24th December '09 (Thurs)
In-conjunction with Cheryl's birthday and also because it was X'mas Eve, we headed down to The Clay Oven Tandoor & Tavern @ Dempsey Hill with a few of her friends to celebrate. The food's ok; not fantastic though.




23rd December '09 (Wed)
Everyone in the office barely had the mood to work. So we headed to SPACE @ My Humble House (Esplanade) during lunch time and ate our guts out. The food's really nice - i.e.: the fried beancurd with seaweed, the fried carrot cake & etc. The chicken rice's nice and tender, but I personally prefer the Samsui chicken rice at The Soup Restaurant instead. As for the crab meat on watermelon... i'll say it's an acquired taste. Hahaha. But all in all, the food's not bad. (^ _ ~)



Evening: Tuk brought me to The Oriole @ The Pan Pacific Serviced Suites for early X'mas dinner. The food and service were pretty good and the atmosphere was nice too. The lighting was rather dark though.

So after we ate and had a cocktail each, we exchanged our pressies! I got him the Stitch Towel (as a decoy before I popped the real pressie) and the amazon.jp box figurine. And I got a nice 2010 organiser and calendar from him.




18th December '09 (Fri)
Took a day off to prepare for gang's annual chalet! This time, we got Aloha Loyang and the place was darn big - which was great 'coz we didn't have to have 10 over people squeezing in one room anymore.

First night, we had Lenus' home-cook food and for the second night, we went for the traditional BBQ spread. We ate so much and played so much that we remained sober even after 2am. Hahaha. And it was real fun coz we had these weird expression stickers on hand to "disfigure" the losers of each game. Oh man... it was just so darn funny.

Crap

Barely slept a wink last night.
There was the roach saga that had me in a perpetual disturbed sleep mode. And there’s the post-holiday-blues as well.

Morning came and here I am at work, still alive and kicking - though I suspect I didn’t even get past an-hour of undisturbed rest last night. And my Dad had a hand in my “liveliness” as well by freaking me out this morning with a big, fat, dead roach in his hand, less than a metre in front of me. “Thanks” for the jolt, dad. Funny.

Kinda figured that guys will always be guys. No matter how old they get or what role they play. Can’t help thinking that guys are born to annoy the hell out of girls/ women, by default. Sigh.

Last evening was great though - hanging out with Uma. (^ _ ^)
And it totally made my day when a total stranger who was standing in front (or behind us) on the escalator near LV boutique at Taka, seemed very taken in by Uma’s “cool hybrid accent” (quote). Hahaha. Not sure if I’ll ever forget that.

Nice to have a “girlie” talk every now and then.
Such opportunities are hard to come by these days though, without offending or stepping onto someone’s toes. My sarcasm’s getting way too rusty. Sheesh. Sounds weird but I’m tired of being nice almost all the time. Feels great to hone my sarcasm every now and then though I think few will ever appreciate it or that I’ll ever be good at it. Perhaps I’ll make this one of my resolutions for 2010.

It feels great to hit the books once again too. Takes my mind off things (and off reality). I need more of that.

Kinda proud of myself when I managed to stay clear from my computer for a full week. That’s quite a feat for someone who stays online almost 24/7 everyday. Guess I’ll make that one of my resolutions as well – escape from reality into the realm of fantasy, crime and suspense. Though it's gonna be real hard to make room for more books in my room. Sigh.